January 10, 2018

January 10, 2018

My Grandpa Died Today
At 3:47am Carl Cierlak passed away in a Florida hospital. Mom was in a plane on her way there to take care of them, but when she landed she found out he had passed. She fell to the floor when she heard.

I thought I was prepared for this day, but I never was. My first instinct was to cry the way you cry when everything is awful and you don’t care who sees.

The funeral will not have a casket. He is being buried in the mausoleum he took me to when I was 14. He’s had this planned for a while.

What I never really thought of before is the absurdity of dying. Your body is never taken home. Instead you go to the morgue and become the property of the hospital, or the cemetery. In life our family belongs to us. No matter what may happen between you your family is yours. He was my grandpa. And now he is a body on a gurney, soon to be in his mausoleum. It’s weird, is all I’m saying.

Grandpa is the first family member to die, which means there will be the next one, and then the one after that, until it is my turn next. Then I won’t belong to anybody. Not my husband or my kids (human if I have them, but probably animal).

I have terrible anxiety about flying to Florida, especially if Jeff can’t come with me. I don’t even know how I am going to pay for it. I guess those are all things that need to be figured out.

Something I thought of: Grandpa now has the answer to life’s biggest question…. Is there something (heaven) after death?
For him, I hope there is. And maybe if I don’t get to go there after all (on account of the atheism)….. I don’t really know where I was going with that.

I’m still processing all of this.

I wish I had called him on Monday or Tuesday when I had the chance.

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